I have never kept a journal, but maybe once or twice a year I get the urge to write something down so I will remember what my thought process was like at that time in my history. Recently I came across something I wrote in the summer of 2008:
I had an “epiphany” today while walking through the park: If I were on my deathbed or had just crossed over from the world of form to the world of the formless, and God were to say to me, “You have been too nice to people. You have shown too much mercy, given too much grace to people who didn’t deserve it. You weren’t hard enough on the “bad” people.” I would probably say, “Oh, Okay”.
But if God were to say to me, “You have been too judgmental of people. You have only shown mercy when it was comfortable or convenient for you. You never understood or tried to understand love,” I would say, “I am so sorry”, and cry and feel ashamed.
Also if God were to say to me, “You had too big of an imagination. You thought you could help create your own reality. You were too big on the idea of no limitation, anything is possible. You should have lived more by your senses.” I would say, “Oh, Okay.”
But if He were to say, “Why didn’t you believe my word? Why did you allow yourself to be limited by your senses? You could have had a more abundant life if you would have taken seriously the words, according to your faith, be it unto you”. I would have such regret and sorrow that I hadn’t made the difference I could have made on the earth.
If I were to write this today, the ideas and the words might change a little, but the general idea remains the same. We will never regret it if the grace and mercy we give out seem too big to some people, and we will never regret it if we shoot for the moon, even if we miss by a little. We will only regret littleness, meanness, closing ourselves off from God and other people. (By littleness, I don’t mean small things, for everything begins with small things, I mean littleness of spirit)
I want to be generous, open, lavish (like nature), freely extending grace and love (like God), not sloppy – holding myself and others accountable but always remaining open and nonjudgmental (I’ve got some work to do.) I want to live with no regrets. . .